Potty Tales (continued)

For those of you that got the e-mail potty tales–scan past the first couple paragraphs):

So Andrew is sick again – fell asleep at 7 last night but really didn’t stay asleep until midnight and then woke up at 4:30 – every fiber of my being hurts and while Jim comforted him when he woke those times I was laying there all night thinking I heard him…anyway this morning he wants to go on the potty – and he did twice. He decided then he wanted to go sans bottoms – just a t-shirt and wanted to scoot on the floor like a dog – I said no…what if I drop one of John’s cupcakes on the floor icing side down – and your butt germs are there? (JUST JOKING…I would scrap the icing off and re-ice…just joking…really…).

So he decided to wear underpants and a T-shirt. I have reminded him every 15 minutes – you don’t have a diaper on – let me know when you have to potty. “Okay, mommy, okay, mommy” in a tone that says, ‘back off old lady’.

I go in after I get the cake out of the oven (cupcakes and cake now baked for tomorrow – hooray – at 5 this morning – I was thinking John really wanted a Costco birthday – but I did it and now all I have to do is assemble every thing and decorate!!) so anyway I go in the living room and there is a protuberance coming out the back of his underwear (I said back of his underwear). Thank God, it was solid and I got it early. I took him in the bathroom and he wanted to see how his underpants were leaving the room 10 seconds after him – I showed him in the mirror and I said ‘look at that torpedo” – he says, “I want to play with it Mommy”. Dear God, help me. I removed the weapon and told him as we waved goodbye to it and flushed – that this is where poop belongs. “Okay, Mommy”.

He just told me he was itchy. If only that were the least of our problems….

NEW TALES OF POOP:

Well my weekend started off with cleaning up our neighbor’s dogs big, wet pile of diarrhea on a carpet. I love my neighbors but they better remember this come the end of July – when we need to take showers because our bathroom is being gutted and redone….

Today, I was getting Andrew ready for a bath…I strip his clothes off…go to dump them in the hamper, return to the living room to take him to the bath tub…and there he is covered in diarrhea….he decided in that 1 minute period to have diarrhea, and then feel it – and then put it in his hair, on his legs, on three spots on the carpet and two spots on the couch….Jesus Mary and Joseph….then he was very upset by the whole situation…I had to take him to the kitchen trash can with a row of paper towels and a gas mask and clean him off while he is screaming – “Get it off of me” I wanted to say “no shit, what do you think I am doing” but I realized the irony of that comment. A half row of paper towels later – I put him in the tub – and washed his hair and upper body while he was standing before I tackled the most affected areas.

Time for bed.