Empty is how I feel.
Drained.
Emotionless.
Tired.
Sad.
Hopeless.
Andrew seems to be spiraling out of control. Angry, he is so angry. Hitting me a great deal. Stemming so badly he cannot respond to us. We’re adding more medicine. The school is adding a behavioral therapist.
I know others may have thoughts of why is she blogging about this – her son is smart, is verbal and can function and I use that word loosely. Our biggest fear is that our smart, verbal son will gravely hurt someone one day. That is why I write or share what is happening with some of my close friends. I’m not complaining – and by no means do I have any less love for my child…even when he punched me in the face this morning with both hands, even yesterday when he pounded me in my back twice and then attacked me on the couch as my sister-in-law watched…I still love him to the moon and back…I just need to release it.
And even though I am empty, drained, emotionless, tired, sad and hopeless — I believe God will help us and him, that one day things will be better for him because that is all I have left. My faith.
I’m here if you need me, even just to listen. I wish I was closer to help you. Stay strong. Call if there’s anything I can do. Love you.
oh sweetie, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a huge hug, and pour you a tall drink too.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It isn’t fair. You of all people, this isn’t what you deserve. The only comfort is that maybe you are what Andrew needs, a mother who will love him NO MATTER WHAT. What a shitty world this is that THIS is how things are. I wish I could make it all better. If anything, take comfort in knowing that you are Andrew’s everything, even if he doesn’t realize it. He could have been born into a family that would have hit back, abused him, neglected him, hurt him. Who knows. It sucks, but God must have a reason that he was born to you, he needs you, more than he knows. I love you, and I am ALWAYS here for you. xoxox Love you.
Lord, how I wish there was an easy fix for this. Jessica is SO right when she said there was a reason Andrew was born to you. There is no woman on earth better equipped to be his mother, to give him the love, comfort and understanding he needs. When you think you have given all you can and are feeling empty and drained, let your friends fill you up with love and comfort. We will cry and laugh and pray with you. You are loved by SO many people, my dear friend.
My stepson, also an autistic Andrew, doesn’t live here anymore. My wife of five years up and left with him in August and I miss him so much. He probably receives nothing resembling affection now and I worry about him constantly. He was so easy to please and get along with, and on the rare occasion when he would act out, I would remind his mother than his actions are not a behavior but a symptom. I used to think God put Andrew in my life because he needed me. Now I know that wasn’t so. God bless you.
It is good to vent boo. I am here listening.
Hello, Jenny! I’m sorry that things have hit a low for you guys…the good news is you can only move up right!? I hope things get better. Take care.
~Ingrid
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