So glad it is only once a year….

Mother’s Day that is….what a joke…next year just fuggedaboudit – little Brooklyn there for you.

I’m having severe panic attacks. Next Wednesday I’m planning on going with Jim to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore (we’re in Long Island). We’ll drop Andrew off at school at 8 a.m. – drive to Baltimore have lunch – go to his appointment at CR-CRAC – god I love that (colo-rectal cancer risk assessment clinic) at 2:00 and then drive home.

I have arranged for a friend to pick up Andrew and drop him off at home where my sister-in-law Peggy will be waiting to take care of him until we get home. Bryan will be here too – until seven p.m. so there is help. Andrew goes to bed between 7 and 8. But he needs his medicine, reminders for everything, just a plethora of issues and while I know Peggy is competent – I’m freaking out – I’ve never left him like this.

This weekend alone with the parties and disruption of his usual routine – I’ve paid dearly (screaming, crying, hitting, anxiety just to name a few) and that was just Jim’s behavior – I joke I joke – although I must say Jim was not a very nice person to me on Sunday – and I will remember that once Father’s Day rolls around. Father’s Day – now that is a holiday I’d like to experience. Breakfast in bed, sleeping late, kindness and gentleness…a thousand points of light celebration. Me….a hollowed out bagel for breakfast and lunch — he didn’t want to go out to lunch after church and then the silent treatment all afternoon. I will give him this – I’m not the easiest person in the world to live with – but it was Mother’s Day – throw me a flippin bone. Smile. A dozen points of light maybe. I don’t need flowers – I bought my own damn present – you could have wrapped it. Andrew told me he wanted to get me (read: him) a Topsy Turvy planter but he didn’t have any money (note he never has any money he’s five). That was nice to get a thought….Jim – could have given me a thought…give me a thought. I bought my own damn Topsy Turvy strawberry planter on Monday and Andrew was so happy – and we’ll get it set up this weekend. Damn infomercials. Andrew also wants to know – why we didn’t act now and they could have doubled our offer.

I love my life. I love my husband. I’m just tired and scared and dealing with a problem I’ve had for thirty years. After Jim’s colon is resolved (so to speak), I’ll try to fix me.

Pray for us. I’ll pray for you.