The Cookbook Junkies

Six weeks – a blink of an eye.

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Andrew has been doing amazingly well. I think we have the right combination of medications — and now as soon as I write this – poof – the planets will become misaligned and cause a regression. It seems he does well as long as I don’t talk/write about it.

For the last six weeks, he has been more even tempered, his ADHD symptoms a little worse, but overall he’s been a delight! He has only hit – here and there – flapping has decreased, tantrums have decreased in number and duration.

I haven’t written because I’ve been either sick, shoveling snow (lots of it) or super busy. Andrew has religion classes on Saturday mornings and then Saturday afternoons he has basketball through the Challenger sports program – which is an amazing program for special needs kids. Every time I leave there – my heart is warmed. These volunteer men and older kids – working with special needs kids teaching them sports – truly joyous to watch.

Andrew has taken to basketball and is doing very well. He’s making baskets, he is listening, taking turns, sharing — just doing beautiful. In the Spring – there will be baseball – and then lacrosse.

Bryan, my oldest son, moved back to Illinois right after Christmas. It makes me sad – but I have to admit – it has been calmer here – and we have that portion of the house back – his bedroom and a half bath. Also, we have lots and lots of food left and I’m learning to cut down on the amounts I make because the garbage disposal is gone!

I am going to post this boring post now so I get something posted for January!

Peace,
Jenny

Arthur and I wish I were Invisible

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A couple weeks ago Andrew and I were having comfy-cozy time. It’s the time from about 6:30 until bedtime when he is too spent from his day and I, too, am spent from his day. We cuddle on our big bed and watch television. Arthur came on. As soon as the episode began and then introduced Carl, I knew the character had Aspergers. By the way, kudos to Marc Brown for teaching kids about disabilities – physical, emotional or social.

Andrew was very interested in this Carl character. We had a long talk about Aspergers and what it means.

Fast forward a week or two later, Andrew in the car to his friend, Nicholas. “Nicholas, you know I’m very smart but my brain is wired differently. I have something called Asperger’s.” I choked up but I was very proud.

This week has been again rough. Andrew had strep the first part of the week and has gotten into even more bad behavior. He is mimicking a lot of kid’s behaviors – i.e., “J_______ kissed the butt of a person on a book today.” Then at the psychologist office he is kissing the woman’s butt on the magazine cover. “N_____ told me how to get my way — make a mean face and if that doesn’t work hit.”
Trust me, Andrew can hit on his own – but he is coming home with a very fresh mouth and attitude. I can’t believe those kids have that much free time for him to overhear or learn these behaviors. I’m just really confused – especially the last few weeks. He was and still is very upset about the whole “bed head” incident — this week – he said he wanted to stick a knife in his head to make his hair stay down. The bed head incident was a couple weeks ago – when his hair was a little Something About Mary-ish. It was a particularly rough morning – trying to get him ready – dodging blows and getting him dressed. I wet his hair down and did the best I could. A group of his classmates started laughing and calling him names he was distraught. He thought bed head meant he was stupid.

His lips are very dry this week – and bleeding – I put Vaseline on them – he was in tears sobbing – that the kids were going to say he has lipstick on – I’ve talked to a couple other moms and they are feeling the same way- the kids are coming home really fresh and with a bad attitude – this is first grade – where are these kids getting this attitude? He seems just to be having a hard time with a lot of things lately. I understand kids are kids – but they are six. Andrew would NEVER ever think of making fun of someone’s appearance at this age. (He’ll beat you ala pre-grill George Foreman style but he wouldn’t say – “look at four eyes”). This is learned behavior – and for six year olds to be doing this – kind of scares me for our future as a whole. If I am upset about something – and I do cry, he makes fun of that now – “Cry baby you big cry baby” — that is new behavior and I’ve heard the same from another mother. It is sad that six year olds are so cynical.
Bryan is packing and getting ready to move back to Illinois. He’s been here over almost seven years. I will be sad. He drives me nuts and while it will be great to have that room back to make into my office once again – I will miss him. I think Andrew will too. We’re giving him our white car so that will make life even tougher until we get a second car.
We’ll we’ve been up two hours – it’s 6:52 a.m. and Andrew just came into the office singing “yeah you’re an idiot”. Thanks first grade.

Thanksgiving.

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Andrew has been much calmer with his father and myself…but he still can’t have a friend around without pulverizing them. It’s horribly depressing. I’ve been so sad for the last two weeks – and I couldn’t talk to Jim about it – or he’d be beyond consolation. That changed on Wednesday when I had a nervous breakdown.

On Wednesday, he pounded his friend in the chest because she switched a ball she had gotten from the 25 cent machine with one he got – I’m not sure of the exact timing of events or how it all went down – – but it was traumatic for me. My sister-in-law was there and I think she was shocked by how violent he can become. He pushed her to the ground and when she tried to get up – he pounded her in the chest. His friend is usually quick and doesn’t get the brunt of his aggression but this time – the look on her face….it made my heart sink.

Once I got home, I started down the slippery slope of despair. Andrew then began to obsess incessantly about the Hoops for Heart event at school – begging me to call people, begging me to e-mail and look under couch cushions (apparently the teachers tell them to do that — why do they do that – do they realize this child is prone to anxiety attacks and obsession — yes, the do they know his diagnosis he is in an inclusion class?). He had already given his tooth fairy money for the cause and we donated $50.00. He then started with “can we put daddy’s work down for $50?” He kept repeating and repeating until I just lost it. I took the form away. I told him if he asked again he couldn’t participate. He grabbed the form. He said okay that he understood. Two minutes later, “can daddy’s work put down $50?” I grabbed the form and crumbled it up. I felt like the most heinous person in the whole fucking world for doing that. (I will never understand how people who abuse their children sleep at night. I was ready to take my life because of this out of control action of mine — yes, crumbling up his form nearly killed me…but worse yet….”it’s okay mommy don’t cry – I like it crumbled – but why did you do that?” I called everyone I knew to get another form (I did get a new one this morning). I wanted to die. Because he had really pummeled his friend at the diner and then was harassing me about this pledge drive – I lost it. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t like that person.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Mass – I prayed for strength. I prayed to be a better mom and a better person.

Friday was bad. Andrew wanted a big huge box that we were throwing out from the basement to make a “star fighter”. I knew that he would become frustrated. But how could I not let him build something. 7:30 a.m. he’s trying to build the star fighter and then he messed up some writing on the side. He started screaming. He started at me. He hit me fifteen times before I could contain him. He got away and picked up the dining room chair and threw it and broke a piece of it. When I went to pick it up, he pounded me in the back so hard – I almost cried. In my head I kept thinking – he did this to his friend three times in the chest and she is a little girl. I told him that was it. The box was going away until he could control himself. He came at me again and sunk his teeth into my arm. I just started crying.

This “disease” is so fucking lonely.

Jim worked all day Saturday (he has been working alot). My friends took Andrew to the Children’s Museum and then they all came for dinner and it was a good day. Andrew hasn’t been sleeping well. He was up alot Saturday night – and I was up with him from before midnight until after 1:30 a.m. – then Jim’s phone started ringing – and I didn’t fall back to sleep until 3 a.m. That morning Andrew was up at 5:30 and I got up with him while Jim slept until about 8:30. I was exhausted. So after church around 2 p.m., I wanted to lie down for an hour. Jim wanted to watch football. Andrew went to play on the computer. Apparently, Andrew kept losing his patience and kept screaming and Jim kept screaming and I felt like a maniac. I was so tired and every time I would dose off the screaming started. Andrew came in the bedroom sobbing because Daddy was yelling. I apparently yelled “what is going on?” and Jim then decided to take him outside because I yelled at him and that made him feel guilty because he had been yelling at him all afternoon. I got up after no nap, did some dishes and went outside too and we had a good time with friends from the neighborhood.

Now apparently Jim is beside himself for putting work, football — first. Every day for years Andrew has said, “Do you think Daddy will come home and surprise me?” Jim leaves for work at 7 a.m. and comes home most nights at 9:30 p.m. Once a week or so 11 or after. Here lately he has worked a couple Saturdays. He’s a train wreck because he never sees Andrew and on the one day he is home – we have church and then Jim wants his football.

I’m a train wreck. I can’t tear myself up anymore for being a physical and emotional wreck. Six days a week lately – I am alone with Andrew and while I know I can do better – I also know I do a pretty damn good job. Jim’s football could wait – it’s being DVR’d for pity’s sake – play with your son the one day you see him – so you don’t have to beat yourself up the next day and make me feel even worse for wanting to take a nap.

I told them both – it’s a new day, a new beginning. No more yelling. We’ll see how that goes.

I have to go now – he is screaming in the living room . That is how it goes.

Addendum: Crisis averted there – only dead batteries in the Wii remote.

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