It isn’t always easy. I’m doing dishes and getting things ready to make jams tomorrow and Andrew is watching the Giants parade/celebration (on DVR). I hear the National Anthem and I can’t see him — I go into the living room. He is standing in front of the television – with his hand on his heart.
It isn’t always hard either.
Since the perfect arms post things have not gotten better.
He was having horrible meltdowns during class – now he is having them at recess. He is still singing and disturbing his classmates. He is flapping more. He is so incredibly anxious that he couldn’t even watch the Super Bowl — he was so scared – he begged to go to bed. He is already sobbing and terrified about going back to Camp Anchor. We love Camp Anchor – but some of the older campers – scare him. He’s only seven. If a large camper is screaming or having a meltdown – it is a little much for him. Everything is a little much for him.
After a terrible sobbing incident on the blacktop after school where boys told him “no” that he couldn’t play football with them, where an older kid made fun of him and he began to sob and kept screaming – “give me a chance…I believe in myself….I can throw the football” over and over where he said, “I’m going to just run in the street and kill myself”…I asked for the promised meeting with the school psychologist and the teacher. The teacher and I had discussed some ways to help him cope during the day. We had hoped that the school psychologist could provide some input. Last year they decided to place him in a regular class and took away his OT which he was getting twice a week. They allowed us (so generous) to keep his group play and once a week single session. He stutters horribly but they took away his speech because he has the vocabulary of a college student.
Finally we had the meeting Friday. The school psychologist came in and sighed heavily. Seriously bothered. Then for forty five minutes basically told me I needed to find a way to cope better. To tell Andrew not to tell me his problems the moment he walks in the door! I had to sit on my hands – I’m not a violent person…but God help me.
Andrew doesn’t tell me his problems. They come out later. When I hear about meltdowns – it’s from the teacher. I walked into the school on Friday for the meeting – two children – two children!!! told me that “Andrew had a bad day. He was crying a lot at lunch. I had to find someone to play with him.” Dear God the nice children are providing more support than the staff. Almost every day a different child – tells me something different. For weeks the teacher was telling me about the issues he was having and instead of discussing ways (therapy bands, seat cushions, velcro under his desk, walks in the hall) to help him cope, they think I’m a head case. I had to come up with the suggestions.
After I totally went Shirley MacLaine ala Terms of Endearment – “give my daughter the fucking medicine!!!” — the school psychologist finally got why we were there. “You mean he use to have OT?” Duh. “You mean he doesn’t go to the bathroom all day in school?” “You mean he isn’t drinking any water or eating any lunch?” Ding ding ding – the elevator is going up!
I’m giving them a week to ten days. If things aren’t better, Shirley is coming back.
My heart is breaking.
These are pictures of his arms (from tonight) where he has bitten himself when he gets mad. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I have a huge bite mark on my arm from Saturday (and now I don’t even care – I wish I had all the marks on my arms) apparently I somehow missed that he was biting himself again. Last night I had to hold him for 30 minutes while he sobbed because he was so mad and begged me to let him bite himself. I have been so exhausted and not feeling well that when I gave him his showers/baths I missed these bruises.
I told him that it makes me sad when he hurts himself and he said, “I once had such perfect arms.” I said they will be perfect again but he has to stop biting himself and us. I told him we have to find ways to channel his anger.
He is having problems at school with anxiety, frustration and staying on task. We are working with the teacher and school psychologist closely. The problem and it will sound funny that it is a “problem” is that he is a very smart kid – scoring off the charts and so if he doesn’t have academic issues – CSE doesn’t care. I’m going to see how next week goes – and if things aren’t better – I’m going to call the neurologist and ask for a CSE meeting to see if we can’t get him extra help.
God help us. He had a good day today. I hope they continue. Pray for us.