The Cookbook Junkies

Clan Wars

April 11, 2014 by Jenny Hartin 7 Comments

I wake up in the morning terrified. My heart races and I feel nauseated.

Will he be in a good mood? How long will it take me to get him to urinate and wash his hands? The fastest it has been is five minutes, the most it has taken is forty five minutes. Will I stay calm? Will I get some breakfast into him before he has to take his medicine? Will the eggs be hot enough? Will the waffle be crispy enough? Will something set him off? Will we make it on time to school today – four days a week we don’t. Will I be a good and patient mom. Trust me, some mornings I’m not.

The last few nights he hasn’t been sleeping well and neither have I. I’m going through a flare up right now – and I’m in incredible pain. I don’t complain about it….I just try to deal with it. Pain has been my life for thirty years now – that isn’t a “pity me” statement – it is a fact. I have a high tolerance for it – but this week it has been bad.

Earlier this week a crown broke – not one of the ones I wear during dress up – but one of those that live in my mouth. Waiting for a dentist to call back is annoying. Teeth have always been a worry for me. I want to keep my teeth in my mouth. My mother kept her’s in a glass in the cupboard. My father did too. I want empty glasses in my cupboard.

Last night was a particularly bad night – he is so anxious about this game he is playing. We cut games completely and now they have eased back into his life. When there are no friends around — and I’ve exhausted all avenues – I have to let the child have something. It’s Clash of Clans or something like that. He wants to join a “cool clan” – don’t we all? He wants to partake in clan wars. He wants people to join his clan. We put him to bed at 8:15 and I went up at 9:30 and he was still awake. He was whimpering. “Help me with my problem, mommy.”

I asked him what his problem was. He wants to join a cool clan and they are all full. We talked for thirty minutes. He was still up at 10:15.

Before 5 a.m. he came into our bed and I hurry and got him back to his bed and stayed with him. At 7 a.m. I got up and Andrew went back to our bed. Jim was showering. From 7:30 until 8:05 — I tried to wake him up. He wouldn’t budge. The anxiety he lives with over the most inane things wipes him out. I got him out of bed at 8:10 – and it took feats of strength to do that.

I made eggs and sourdough toast – and played Jeff Buckley’s version of Hallelujah and that calmed him. While I went to get his clothes and get dressed to take him to school – he had made his way upstairs to check out his game.

He was hysterical — “They started the clan wars – they started the clan wars – in the middle of the night -they started them.” I told him that this was enough of that game – that it wasn’t for him. He screamed “I fucking hate you” and tried to hit me. I started to cry. I’m tired. I’m weak. I live clan wars every day.

It took another fifteen minutes after I pulled myself together – to pull him together. I got him from red to yellow. I got him dressed – we left. We signed into school – late again.

He has been doing great things at school. He is in the 99th percentile in the nation for math. He is in fourth grade and at an eight grade level. He is above superior in his IQ — the psychologist told us yesterday that it would have been a higher rating if his autism didn’t get in his way – his flapping, pacing and attention- if it is something he is not interested in – or if he just wants to get it over with – he guesses – or skips the question. They are doing great things for him – speech groups and counseling groups.

Every morning – I wonder how I can make it through another morning….by the time I pick him up at lunch his meds are in and he’s in a good place. When we go to sleep — I worry about the morning. I know I will get through the war – if the daily battles don’t kill me.

Hodge Podge

March 29, 2014 by Jenny Hartin 2 Comments

I’ve been in a funk. I miss New York. I miss Krista, Joanne, my sister in laws — I miss going over to Joanne’s and having a bagel and talking. I miss our neighbors Paula and RoseAnn. I miss Tom and Mary, our church friends. Even as busy as they were with all their grandchildren they were filling Andrew’s need for grandparent figures.

Colorado is beautiful and I love our home – but I don’t have, and I won’t have, those kind of relationships here. It takes a great deal for me to bond with someone – I’m much like Andrew.

Jim loves it here. He doesn’t miss New York at all. He is worried about me. He said he would move back but I will not move again – it’s too expensive and exhausting. He is happy and Andrew is happy and that is what really matters. I am use to being a miserable fuck. 🙂

I’ve been cooking up a storm. I am posting here a few of my cooking groups dinners and a few things I have made lately.

A variation of Amy Thielen’s Brown Butter Rosemary Chicken. It was fantastic.

My macaroni and cheese with barbecue kielbasa. This was delicious!

A variation of Amy Thielen’s Chicken Pot Pie with Bev’s Crust. Buy her cookbook for this crust recipe alone. The best crust EVER. I know everyone says they “best ever” – I mean it! Anybody want a peanut? (For those Princess Bride fans out there.)

From Wintersweet Maple Brown Butter Apple Cake. A few people in our group made comments about it being bland which surprised me but this cake was really delicious. Very few things WOW me – I’m a hard nut to crack. But Andrew and I thought this cake was yummy — we ate it warm with some powdered sugar and a drizzle of maple syrup. People tend to overcook and over bake things. I think that might have been the case. I did add a little ginger to the recipe.

A variation of Amy Thielen’s fried chicken. I made chicken and waffles one night and Andrew asked “this is so good – is this what the movie stars eat in Los Angeles?”

I had an idea for tomato basil soup with tortellini and I made it. Several people asked for a recipe – and I googled something similar — and found something that sounded close. Sorry that is how I roll. I don’t have time to write down every recipe I have in my head. I served it with mozzarella en carrozza.

Bagged Caesar salad with chicken cutlets. This was a nice fast meal one night. I added sesame seeds and all kinds of spices to the panko crumbs.

Amy Thielen’s Peppered Pork Loin (I used tenderloin) — this truly was fantastic. I made garlic cheese bread and parmesan, shredded potato cups to serve along with it.

Earlier this month we took a trip up to Estes Park – we saw the Stanley Hotel and then we spent a few hours in Rocky Mountain National Park. It was gorgeous.

Well if you have gotten this far – thank you for reading my hodge podge of thoughts. That is how I feel lately — lost and rambling.

Anonymous

February 12, 2014 by Jenny Hartin 7 Comments

So Anonymous says (sic):

“Don’t you think you are asking alot from a school? I fele very sorry for you and know your son needs extra care and attention but it sounds like the school is doing the best it can. Teachers are overwhelmed just dealing with kids without special needs. We ask too much of our teachers and admins. I do hope things improve for you and Andrew.”

So I reply:

Jenny said…

In most school districts classes – especially in a class with three or four children with special needs they have an aid. In NY Andrew always stood next to the aid during transition times. I’m not asking for one on one attention I’m asking for common sense. If he breaks down during line up stand next to the teacher or aid. And I’ve volunteered to be an aid to help out. They take volunteers at the school. Andrew’s teacher is amazing. The admin is amazing. But we’ve had to go through seven months of hell before we can start the classification process again to get him extra help. It’s the school district that lacks common sense. Are people so overwhelmed they can’t have someone stand next to them? Don’t leave a comment without leaving your name. I know who you are anyway.

I’ve thought about this all morning. YES, I do expect a lot from the school. YES, I do expect each child – every, single child to be safe and be afforded the same education. YES, I do expect that when a child has autism, ADHD, OCD, bipolar disease, Downs Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy – any issues whatsoever, that in the GREATEST FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – that that child is given what he needs.

If it requires that an adult be close to him during transitions so that he doesn’t hurt another child with a push or a harsh word – YES. How the holy fuck do you think it makes me feel when he hits or hurts another child? It makes me feel like death – yes – death. I feel like a part of me dies every fucking time he does something wrong.

What if your child was pushed or hurt because my child misinterpreted something – would you expect your child to be protected? Should my child be home schooled – which EVERY SINGLE ONE of Andrew’s health care providers screams NO. Do you want my child to turn into Adam Lanza? Do you want my child to be isolated and abandoned by a society that helps every fucking country in the world? I am mad – yes – I’m mad because Anonymous doesn’t have the common courtesy to leave her name. She can disagree with me – but do so with a face. Not in a cowardly faceless way.

I have great respect for teachers and school staff. But in this day and age everyone no matter what the job complains that they are overworked and underpaid. I would give my left arm to work again. Before Andrew I was a paralegal but I would work in a grocery store – putting sprinkles on a donut for eight hours a day. I worked from the time I was 9 years old – helping neighbors with housework for money, when I was 11 I was cleaning the nun’s home – for money – which was given to my father for bills. I worked three jobs for many years to make ends meet and to support my family.

I haven’t worked since Andrew was born – how can I hold a job when I’m being called repeatedly throughout the day or week to pick up my child. I can’t – no employer wants that. I wanted to work in the evenings but Jim’s call schedule didn’t allow it and basically Jim won’t allow it. He’s right – I’m mentally and physically exhausted now and I do have a job. MY JOB is to make sure my child is safe and cared for. My job is to teach my child not to act out in anger. My job is to control my lupus and other medical conditions so I can make sure Andrew is cared for.

SO YES, Anonymous, I do expect a lot for my child and every other child.