The Cookbook Junkies

Jim and I are moving to Colorado – with Andrew. We’re going to win the multi-million dollar home, truck and 250K cash price that HGTV is giving away. We’re not going to tell Bryan – we’re just going to be gone one morning – with all our “nice” stuff. We’ll leave him the cr#p and he’ll have a few weeks/months before the house is sold.

The house sleeps 13 I think…Jim’s family can come and vacation – once a year maybe twice with all that room – I can get away from them and hide…just joking I love them…I really love when they go home…again…just kidding….

I’m in a massive re-decorating, organizing clean mode still. I ordered things from the container store – to organize the cabinets, I’m getting a nice brown quilt and will re-do the bedroom colors (curtains, etc.- the best little whorehouse in Texas look has to go. Although Jim has offered to pay me for sex.

I’m going to sand and paint the kitchen cabinets – an off white to brighten up the kitchen – – Ankit want to come and help??? Ankit, is the only one that reads my blogs. Ankit, will be in my will. Do you like to cook, Ankit? Because all I have to my name are nice kitchen appliances, top of the line pots and knives and over 500 cookbooks…and then there is the 22 year old…anybody want him…anyone??? Bueller? Bueller???

Andrew is too sick to go to school – he was up at 4:45 a.m. and coughed all night – I am miserable myself – I’m decorating the Noah’s Ark cookies, the animals (2 mini ones on each ark), heart cookies and pig cookies for Andrew’s class on Wednesday – it is Chinese New Year on 2/18 – and Andrew’s little friend is Chinese so it will be a good way to teach him about a different culture. So because of all this hand decorating etc. — my nerve condition – causes my arms to go completely numb especially at night – and I woke up 3 times in horrible pain. Even though Andrew was sick, I had him in the car – and he coughed up a piece of lung…and I still was driving to the school – then guilt got the best of me –. We’re going to the doctor at 5:45. He did take a 3 hour nap — God taketh away, God giveth back.

Bryan is here and that is the only good thing about having him here…he can watch Andrew when he sleeps…Bryan is 6′ 3″ and weighs 300 probably. Andrew is 39 inches tall and weighs about 37 pounds. Bryan walks in the room…Andrew runs up to him – hits him and says “go away, Brother. Go to your room Brother.” David and Goliath. For a long time Andrew called Bryan – BUM – a cross between Brother and Bryan – I swear Jim and I don’t call Bryan bum – I swear.

Bryan said my hair looked much better – I got it all chopped off – I didn’t want the Telly Savalas look – she took off a little too much – but it feels better and looks better. Jim said when I came home, “Excuse Me, Do I know you Sir.” He is not getting any of my cookbooks when I die.

Andrew is wrapping his body around my arm….come Mommy come….

I’m throwing my hat in – I may be the father!

All these freaks want Dannilynn’s money. I’m surprised Michael Jackson hasn’t thrown his “hat” in the ring….if the baby was wearing a veil and her nose was sliding off her face – I would say he was as much a candidate as Zsa Zsa’s husband or Ice Poppy Howard (he’s been dead for over a decade now – what is the freezer life on sperm??? I know I can’t keep some meat over 6 months in the freezer). My husband is scary — he just said something about Billionaire Sperm at the Tasty-Freeze – I said, “it could be Ben & Jerry’s new flavor” — “Everything but the Frozen Sperm” Jim added. Sometimes he is almost as funny as I and sometimes I am almost as modest as he. I do think that Howard Stern (her lawyer, partner) appears to genuinely care about her – but who the hell knows.

Rosie was bashing Anna Nicole the morning of her death. Rosie has some clout. I want to tell her she can bash my ex-husband all she wants… The whole thing is sad.

On another frightening note, I’m already freaking out about our bathroom gutting. It won’t be until April – but we’ll be without a shower for 7 days. I’m going to have to whore myself to use someone’s shower (if I were my mother I could just go to the truck stop – they all know her there)…and anyone in their right mind wouldn’t want Bryzilla in their shower – so we’re going to have to run him through the car wash…Andrew — we can fill up a big tub and give him a wash or go to one of his aunt’s houses … I think we should have the half bath remodeled first and add a shower stall (we’ll have to cut into Bryzilla’s room…) then we’ll have backup…I have to win that damn Room a Day Giveaway – Kimberly Clark is having …. I’ve entered every day. I never win anything.

Okay, back to dinner – I’m making Hawaiian chicken rolls – butter, macadamia nuts, green onions, parsley spread on flatten chicken breasts rolled up, dredged in egg then breadcrumbs with coconut – I’m making basil garlic rice to go with it. Luckily Bryzilla won’t eat anything this good…leftovers for the mere mortals!

I baked 45 Noah’s Ark cookies and 90 plus mini animal pairs (elephant, giraffe, lions) – two for each packet for another baby shower….the things I get myself into. The price of being good.

My almost 22 year old, very smelly, son (yes, I have a 22 year old and a 2 1/2 year old) handed me his hamper of laundry…and with a big smile said – “I unrolled the socks so that you won’t have to*.” Like that was the most wonderful thing he could do as he handed me the stinky hamper of underwear, socks and work clothes.

It doesn’t get much better than this!

**for over six months now I have been telling him – unroll your friggin socks – I want the least amount of toxic exposure as possible – he takes them off and they are in a rolled ball and they won’t get somewhat clean or dry if you don’t unroll them…what is so hard about remembering that???? It goes along with put the seat down, try to hit the BIG BOWL of WATER that is actually the TOILET, and for the love of God what is that smell in here?