The Cookbook Junkies

I can’t believe it is August already….and I haven’t posted anything or written anything in a month besides a draft of a suicide note …. I like to plan ahead and be prepared for anything …

So busy – Andrew keeps me hopping, we’re doing work on the house – I’m re-doing the half bath myself – little by little, and our big bath gut and reno – has been postponed until the week of September 3rd…long story….

Last week we had a downpour of torrential proportions — I got drenched to the bone, gave myself a concussion – because my husband decided to hold an umbrella over me even though I was wetter than the Titanic after it hit the iceberg (I had taken our elderly friend that we take to church – to the grocery – while Jim and Andrew visited with her brother who lives with her – I got drenched getting the car and getting the groceries and Florence in the car and then getting her back in her house without her getting wet)…When we left their house the intensity of the rain diminished but I was scrunching down because my husband insisted that I needed to be under the umbrella and I banged my head into the corner of the car door (I almost passed out)- a week later and it is black and blue still and I’m still having headaches…whether it is from the head injury or my husband being home on vacation …. I don’t know.

After the head injury – we started home and a couple blocks from our home – we see black thick smoke coming from our block – a transformer got hit by lightning and two houses were severely damaged – we were without power and telephones for 6 hours — but no one was hurt seriously — well except for me and my head injury.

My husband called his co-worker on Sunday from his cell phone…Motorola piece of crap…and here is the conversation heard in our home….

Jim says: “Ankit, Ankit, Ankit…..Hello Ankit“, “Ankit, Ankit, Ankit….”

Jenny says: Stop it…that isn’t funny.

Jim continues: “Ankit, Ankit…Hello Ankit, Ankit….”

Jenny screams: Stop it it isn’t funny….

Monday morning – my 3 year old is watching the Wiggles…and he says out of the blue:

“Ankit, Ankit, Ankit….Stop it…Ankit it isn’t funny.” He has been doing that all week….he’s a riot.

I’m exhausted. Off to mudslide.

God is still mad at us for the whole enticing Adam to eat the apple thing. He makes our babies, toddlers and young children wake up before sunrise when we are exhausted from taking care of our babies, toddlers and young children. Then when we are older and can’t sleep past 5 a.m. because that is what happens when you are old (you fall asleep before dusk and wake up before dawn, I call it the reverse vampire syndrome “RVS”) our pre-teens and teens won’t wake up for school, church, breakfast, lunch….etc. It is a cruel twist of fate and really quite ingenious. Nice one, God.

For those of you that got the e-mail potty tales–scan past the first couple paragraphs):

So Andrew is sick again – fell asleep at 7 last night but really didn’t stay asleep until midnight and then woke up at 4:30 – every fiber of my being hurts and while Jim comforted him when he woke those times I was laying there all night thinking I heard him…anyway this morning he wants to go on the potty – and he did twice. He decided then he wanted to go sans bottoms – just a t-shirt and wanted to scoot on the floor like a dog – I said no…what if I drop one of John’s cupcakes on the floor icing side down – and your butt germs are there? (JUST JOKING…I would scrap the icing off and re-ice…just joking…really…).

So he decided to wear underpants and a T-shirt. I have reminded him every 15 minutes – you don’t have a diaper on – let me know when you have to potty. “Okay, mommy, okay, mommy” in a tone that says, ‘back off old lady’.

I go in after I get the cake out of the oven (cupcakes and cake now baked for tomorrow – hooray – at 5 this morning – I was thinking John really wanted a Costco birthday – but I did it and now all I have to do is assemble every thing and decorate!!) so anyway I go in the living room and there is a protuberance coming out the back of his underwear (I said back of his underwear). Thank God, it was solid and I got it early. I took him in the bathroom and he wanted to see how his underpants were leaving the room 10 seconds after him – I showed him in the mirror and I said ‘look at that torpedo” – he says, “I want to play with it Mommy”. Dear God, help me. I removed the weapon and told him as we waved goodbye to it and flushed – that this is where poop belongs. “Okay, Mommy”.

He just told me he was itchy. If only that were the least of our problems….

NEW TALES OF POOP:

Well my weekend started off with cleaning up our neighbor’s dogs big, wet pile of diarrhea on a carpet. I love my neighbors but they better remember this come the end of July – when we need to take showers because our bathroom is being gutted and redone….

Today, I was getting Andrew ready for a bath…I strip his clothes off…go to dump them in the hamper, return to the living room to take him to the bath tub…and there he is covered in diarrhea….he decided in that 1 minute period to have diarrhea, and then feel it – and then put it in his hair, on his legs, on three spots on the carpet and two spots on the couch….Jesus Mary and Joseph….then he was very upset by the whole situation…I had to take him to the kitchen trash can with a row of paper towels and a gas mask and clean him off while he is screaming – “Get it off of me” I wanted to say “no shit, what do you think I am doing” but I realized the irony of that comment. A half row of paper towels later – I put him in the tub – and washed his hair and upper body while he was standing before I tackled the most affected areas.

Time for bed.